When I refer to my Crazy, I’m talking about the most insecure and often Crazy side of me that was formed many years ago. My biggest insecurity is: I’m not good enough. And that insecurity has manifested itself in my daily life for as long as I can remember. But when I was younger (especially in my teenage years & early twenties), I didn’t realize that most of my thoughts and behaviors were in reaction to my Crazy — I thought that my jealousies and crazy assumptions were totally normal and based in reality. In truth, they weren’t. I’d take a tiny fact and would pile a bunch of insane assumptions on top of it that were all rooted in my “not good enough” stuff, and then I’d react to the FICTION and not the FACT.
Some examples from the beginning of my relationship with Eric [that I gave in my first post]:
- Fact: he was concentrating on something and his brow was furrowed
- Assumption: he was angry with me because I’d done something wrong
- Fact: he didn’t introduce me to somebody
- Assumption: he was ashamed/embarrassed of me
- Fact: he wrote on another girl’s facebook wall to tell her he missed her [yep, I brought facebook into this]
- Assumption: he wanted to keep his options open for when he would inevitably break up with me
- Fact: he told me that he loved me more than I loved him
- Assumption: it was just a lie because there was no way that this great man could ever even love me, let alone love me more than I loved him
- Fact: he didn’t come home when he said he would and I couldn’t get a hold of him
- Assumption: he was dead in a ditch somewhere [well, I’m still working through that one…]
So those are a few examples of what my Crazy can look like. I definitely have not had a Crazy-ectomy, yet, but I have successfully dialed back my Crazy as a result of working really hard on building up my own self-confidence and empowerment. I’ll continue to discuss that process here on the blog.
Read more about my Crazy here.
I’m basically defining my Weird as being anything that I decided wasn’t “cool” based on my upbringing and such. Everyone has their own definition of Weirdness, and one person’s Weird is another person’s normal — I totally get that. A few criteria that fall into my own definition are [or have been]:
- sharing my opinion, even if it’s different from other people’s
- not judging other people when I’m around other people who are
- dressing like a boy or wearing striped clothing, wearing hoodies & jeans all the time
- speaking loudly in a quiet restaurant
- making goofy faces, walking silly-y, speaking in funny voices/accents, making strange noises
- inventing words & speaking in nonsensicalities
- just generally being different
- wearing my “frizzy” hair down [versus slicked back in a bun]
- honestly telling people what I’m thinking
- asking for clarification versus letting people assume that I know what they’re talking about
…and this list goes on and on and on and on and on….
So really, my Weird is nothing more than my Authentic Self — but in a society that mostly trains us to be anything but our Authentic Selves, I still think it’s WEIRD that I want to be embrace the ME-ness that makes me ME!
After years of chameleon-ing to the people around me, I’m learning to value self-acceptance (as opposed to seeking out the acceptance of others), and that’s a part of my daily struggle to be Weird. I’ll definitely be writing a lot about this topic!
Read more about my Weird here.